I feel like my world is narrowing. Moments of reflection and inspiration are becoming few and far between. Engaging with nature doesn't free the mind like it used. Meditation consists of mulling over the days concerns. The ego is taking over. I've difficulty remembering my dreams in the mornings, making me feel like I'm missing out on a wealth of personal creativity. Whenever I do manage to engage myself in something, my dog steals away my attention because he's anxiously licking himself. All I do is sit at my window writing stuff and then putting it in a folder and leaving it there. I can't get people to give me feedback on my work because they're all too busy. I've a constant feeling of guilt about it all because I'm on an artists' grant which means I need to produce art. It's no longer my side hustle, it's now become my main thing.
The last time I began feeling this way I started a family WhatsApp group with the purpose of getting people to visit museums and art galleries at the weekends. This was well received to begin with, but eventually devolved into me attending these places alone. It's very hard to get excited about inspiring stuff when you're on your own. I've been thinking recently that maybe this change in the state of my mind is because I'm isolated in my work. I'm alone with my dog for most of the day, so, I've started making more of an effort, socially, but still, this narrowing feeling continues. That's me out of ideas. So, since you are my therapist, I've come here. It's okay, you don't have to say anything. That's the whole point of therapy.
After a powerful image from a dream, of my dog running around my brother's attic with a mouthful of rats, stuck with me for a few days, I started to believe that it must be highly significant. My relationship with my brother is contentious at the best of times, but overall, it could be improved if I was a little less judgmental of him, and my dog, as I mentioned above is supposedly suffering from anxiety, causing him to go into fits of obsessive self soothing. We were told by a vet somewhere to distract him, so now, I've been tasked with the responsibility of stopping him mid-lick, and playing with him, which of course is a major distraction for me. And sometimes he might just be grooming himself, but ever the creature of habit, I immediately stop him either way. The combination of my brother's absentmindedness and my dog's debauchery led me to think that I'm trying to teach myself to embrace the chaos.
