Withdrawels

I'm not sure what it is that is causing it, but I've a tension simmering below the surface of late that reminds me of someone who is withdrawing from a bad habit, such as caffeine or smoking. I've blown the lid a few times lately when my intentions were very much to keep it screwed on. I had a terrible temper growing up which I inherited from my father, but in my thirties, I found meditation and this, along with my personal prohibition, led me to think that I had a handle on it. I still got angry on occasion but I definitely didn't hold on to it for too long. 

                                I heard somebody say that anger is the emotion of the impotent and it really resonated with me. It made me think of times when I lost my temper and how it was really just a futile attempt to try and scare somebody into submission. I was losing control and I was desperately trying to regain it. Because my father held all the power in the family and used his temper to maintain it, I always associated anger with power but now I look at it differently. During a road rage incident, for instance, don't you think that the guy who jumps out of his car ready for a scrap is probably also the one who's under pressure by his boss to do too much, and really feels helpless? It's definitely true that cooler heads prevail so why can't I stop showing my teeth every time somebody turns the heat up?

I've two theories; the first, which would gel with the previous paragraph, is that my career has stagnated. I've not had a proper acting job in about a year, and though I keep telling myself that the industry is slow due to the acting strike and whatnot, I can't avoid a feeling of helplessness. The other is that I recently shaved my head. I'd been yearning to do it for quite a while, probably because I didn't feel like my long hair was suitable for the tougher characters that we're being cast, and I finally bit the bullet and did it. Maybe this belligerent persona is coming out of me to align with my external appearance? Like some unconscious method acting shit? Yeah, probably not. Last year I had the unexpected privilege of picking up lymphoma at the genetics awards and my wife thinks that this may be what's causing my temper. It turned out to be a rare type which can't be treated until it becomes aggressive, meaning I just have to keep an eye out for the symptoms and get a blood test twice a year so I honestly don't think that that's the reason I'm such a hot head.  Either way I need to remedy this before I find myself in some real trouble. 

One of these episodes where I lost control was an incident where some inconsiderate neighbours were enjoying the morning sun right outside of my house after an all night drugs session. One of them was stretching her arms out and put her cigarette into my tomato plant. Having seen her do this, I immediately went to the door with all intentions to ask her to refrain from using my vegetables as an ash tray, but, on route I heard my wife telling me not to go out to them and it began to feel like time was speeding up and I needed to get this done quickly. Before I knew it I was out there with no shirt on towering over this frightened girl and shouting at her with my wife holding the dog begging me to come back inside. The crowd of people were terrified and it did not feel good. 

I think my awareness of the feeling of time running out is important and it makes me think of the old cliché to stop and take a breath.  I can't help wondering if I had stopped to breath (and maybe put my shirt on!) would I have been a little cooler? I always regret losing my temper no mater what the situation and a lot of the time I end up apologising for overreacting. I nearly went out and said sorry to the neighbours that time but luckily my wife convinced me not to because to be honest they have respect for nobody. They've moved out now anyway. 

Reading over this you may think the answer is quite simple; that my career is not going the way I'd always hoped it would have but I tell myself I made peace with that a long long time ago and if you don't believe me than I'LL FUCKIN' FIGHT YA FOR IT!!!